As I was going through my custody battle, I felt that I had a lot to say when I walked into that court room. I knew things were not right in my situation and my first thought was, if only I could get in front a judge. I had experienced so may “bad” situations in trying to co-parent with my ex and I just knew that there was no way a judge would order a child to stay in a place when there was seemingly no good reason and an informal agreement was in place for the child's return. Boy was I wrong! I lacked fundamental knowledge of the most important detail to my case. Evidence. Every finding of fact is based on evidence.
One
misconception that I found with myself and with the thought process of my clients is that they
have been done so wrong, both in the relationship with their ex and with false
allegations throughout the court that they feel explaining all of it will help
them win their case. The reality is that some of your evidence won’t make it
and if not authenticated, can get thrown out. This article outlines the fundamental guidelines of what evidence is, what
it isn’t and what is needed to present it. There is more than one case being heard that day and it may take too long to present everything. It's important to pay close attention to the factors that the judge uses to determine custody.
When
I started my journey, I remember that I had a free consultation with an attorney and what she said, changed
my life. She told me to document everything. I didn’t know it then but what
really helped was that I had already had some proof, or what was considered
proof of what was going on. Even still I had no idea of how to present it and
how to organize it until I began to do tons of research. I was blown away at
how evidence was presented, how it could be thrown out and there was just more
to it that I could’ve imagined. Of particular help has been documentation written in text. Voice mails are simply an added bonus of proof.
Unfortunately, some parents utilize whatever tactics are necessary to further their own interests, in the world we live in. The torrent of tears, and the mom who "just wants what's best for her children". She is at risk. She needs assistance. On the other side, fathers who often enter court in fear can also turn out to be predatorial; claiming the mother is impulsive acting off of her emotions, unstable for her children, etc. He is concerned. He is a father who is dealing with a woman who is keeping him away from his child(ren). All while communicating with the mother how good she is to their children. The dramatic presentation, the level of manipulation can and frequently do fool lawyers, courts, custody evaluators, and other officers of the court. I contacted the Federal Communications Commission, and the FCC's job is to oversee all interstate and international communications. They told me they have no laws regarding recording conversations however, they had informed me that consent to record a conversation was different in every state. So, I am forwarding this government agency's advice to say, "before you record your ex, check your state laws." Recorded conversations prove statements against your character as untruthful. They may lie on you in their motions, but the thing about lies is once you present your true self to the court, what was said about you, wouldn't match what is being seen and that's how being untruthful can work in your favor. I truly believe without the proof of recording what is happening, if its legal to do so; that so many would have ended up in a very worse off predicament.
When trying to do the right thing after you decide a relationship is over, you then you began to struggle with the "when". When do you start documenting? Most people spend their entire lives trying to build happy, joyful memories. They don't aim to preserve painful memories and unfortunate moments. It's not normal. It just isn't typical and may feel weird at first. Additionally, it is challenging to accomplish this while trying to save your relationship. You will feel devious. You'll get a sense of "setting him/her up." The truth of the matter is that you’ll also need to get over that feeling and realize, the safety of your children is at stake.
I’m not sure at what point you are at in your journey. You could be farther along, already at the end of your relationship or the relationship has been over for some time and you're now in the middle of a custody battle. From my experience it does not matter. Humans are creatures of habit. If the other parent has bad behavior and ill intentions for you and are not concerned with what’s best for the child in the beginning, they are likely not going to change that behavior which gives you a leg up on documenting this bad behavior. It’s never too late to start gathering evidence that occurs starting today.
If you’ve gotten to know your ex then I’m sure they know what makes you tick and vise-versa. It is important that you keep an eye out for triggers that can send you over the edge especially when dealing with a master manipulator. Any incident could very easily haunt you later on during the custody battle. You must always maintain as much composure and reason as you can. You must not escalate. Remember that everything you write may be used for the same purposes. Be the calm person in any lengthy back and forth conversation in email. No foul language, No insults. Zero threats. You should always act morally, no matter what. This demands a lot of self-control and is easier said than done and keep very detailed notes about their aggressive, deceitful, or baiting behavior in a notebook or other document.
What Should You Document?
- All written
correspondence of the nasty or abusive variety
- Emails
- Direct Messages
– simply take a screenshot off your phone
- Text
Messages
- Handwritten
Letters
- Screen Shots
of social media Posts
- Voice Mails
– record them to a digital voice recorder and transfer them to the
computer.
- Videos/audio of
negative behavior and verbal abuse (check your state to see if recording is legal)
- Police
Reports.
- Arrest
Records.
- Child
Protective Services Documentation (in your favor, obviously).
- Driving
Record, if you think it’s so bad it will help you.
- Any
available treatment records for drug and/or alcohol abuse (any substance
abuse).
- Any available
treatment records for mental health issues that are of serious concern to
you.
- Photos of
you spending time with the children
- School records or report cards of the children
If you genuinely feel that raising your child(ren) is in their
best interests, you must be realistic and accept the possibility that the
conflict will turn ugly. Even if this is a terrible fact, you might need to
learn how to strategically communicate or maybe even manipulate the other person
to reveal that "evil side" and get the evidence you need to protect
yourself and your children. Use their pain points to expose their anger. Especially
if they are putting up a façade for court.
If
you were wondering when to start documenting, my suggestion is that you start
collecting evidence the moment you decide to want custody or more visitation
time. Don’t wait until the relationship is over and if you started right away,
great! Now you can compare their change in behavior before the custody proceedings
began and during. Especially if you're dealing with someone who follows the rules during the case and as soon as the case is done bac to the same old behavior. Even in a relationship that is going perfectly, there may be a
few instances where your partner "went off the deep end" and sent you
a detestable message, assaulted you and admitted it over email, wrote you about
suicidal thoughts or actual attempts—whatever it is—that may be worth saving
can all be used in court.
I know
this isn’t going to be easy to grasp and some may have an opinion about
it. Feel free to leave a comment below. Fortunately for me, way before I ended
up in court, I had text messages and emails proving alienation (which is a term
you do not use in court) and other poor behavior from the other parent.
- Text messages
- Proof of attempts to contact child
- Being denied access to the child
- Being denied calls
- Being told "stuff happens" when asking why a promised visit never occurred
- Multiple relevant reports
…would have given the judge the indication that the child’s best interest wasn’t being met by him staying there but I didn’t even get the opportunity to speak. The judge didn't even look at me. I did not have the following fundamental guidelines I’m about to share with you now and I didn't understand the parts of a trial. It was so bad to where I started explaining everything that was going wrong during "opening arguments". What a disaster!
All evidence must be relevant and authenticated. These are Federal rules of evidence. The fact that your ex cheated on you does not prove whether they will be a good mother or father. That piece of evidence is irrelevant, so you don’t want to share information that the judge may feel is a waste of time. The other side may even call a relevance objection. If the judge sustains the objection, that piece of evidence needs to be submitted another way, or maybe you did not lay the proper foundation to provide relevance. If you go in unprepared, you could lose the ability to present that piece of evidence. So, keep in mind of what fact you are trying to prove and gather the supporting evidence. You must become your own private investigator. Getting ready and staying ready if it is safe for you to do so. To prove that your statements are factual, beyond doubt you must be strategic. If you’re being kept away from your child, how do you prove that? If the other parents are missing their visits, how do you prove that? Worst case scenario if you are being abused and threatened and the safety of your children are at risk. What steps can you take and how do you prove it? And finally, when organizing your evidence, do so in chronological order - oldest evidence to newest.
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If you have any questions or would like to book a one on one, walking through your evidence for your attorney, and/or organizing your evidence if you are representing yourself, contact me via email at visitationpod@gmail.com or text me at 475-231-7537.
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This article is for informational use only and should be used as
a guideline to aide in your research.
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